| Transitioning |
[02 Jun 2019|01:41pm] |
Hi all. New LJ: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) thatwhileifound
It's time for a change here. Everything else has.
Entries will basically all be friends-only. Add that one if you want. I'll friend you back.
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(Make a noise)
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| Hm |
[10 Apr 2009|12:30am] |
I've got two women that I am simultaneously and absolutely in love with asleep in my bed. I have been drinking copiously, escessively, trying to find some urge to sleep while playing mindless video games. I've also been listening to my favorite sad bastard music and reading Buk.
Life is weird. I guess shit just happens, right?
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(1 to hear | Make a noise)
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[07 Oct 2008|04:51pm] |
After basically traumatizing my cat yesterday, the vet went and did his best to do it again today! Fuck. The whole putting a mask on her with her screaming noises I'd never heard her make before... Fucking horrible. I am not good at being around that. Then, drugging her and all, he took her in the back to take blood and try again to feel the bladder for urine. He said he couldn't find any.
I take her home, she recoups a little from the drugs and the first thing she wants to do? Piss in her litter. I forgot to even put her litter back, so she went screeching into the bathroom, wobbling like a drunkard, and looked utterly confused because her litter was gone. I replaced it and she went. Not a lot, but she went. I told the fucker she'd had some water, hadn't pissed within the last hour and all of that. Fuck.
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| Absolutely not editted or formatted |
[06 Sep 2008|09:09am] |
Well, I still love Portland. I can really see myself living here, I mean, the only real fault I can find is that the city is pretty flat. Making up for that, however, there's cool runs like Tabor and Larch.
I've had a lot of beer, but I've actually drank less than I would usually in Vancouver. Off the top of my head, yesterday I had a stout, an ESB and an IPA at a couple different restaurants, as well as a Hair of the Dog Fred, and two other barley wines. I think I might be forgetting one, however. Anyway, they were all pretty damned good. I love barley wine. Today, I'm going on the brew bus tour. Basically, it drives us around to a variety of breweries where we have samples and stuff. Super cool.
Also, besides beer, I have picked up some cool vinyl for dirt cheap here.
-Zounds - This Land/Alone single
-Conflict - Increase the Pressure
-Citizen Fish - Thirst
-Citizen Fish - Wider than a Postcard
-King Crimson - Red
-Jeff Beck - Blow by Blow
-Wipers - Youth of America (I've got two out of the three now, Shane)
-Amebix - Arise!
Some of these are things I've seen in Canada, but for like 2-3 times more than I paid here. A couple of them are just things that I've never ran into there.
I haven't skated much, but I did pick up another bushing kit, rail riser kit and some wicked Bennett Alligators.
Honestly, it's just weird being back in a friendly city again. Seattle isn't friendly. Vancouver is just weird. I mean, I guess Commercial can be friendly, except that they're usually annoying and/or want drugs after talking to you for a moment. Here, people notice my Zounds record and go nuts wanting to know where I got it. Awesome. So many random people talking to me here and, so far, I haven't wished any of them would fall into the road while talking to me.
Oops. I was supposed to be looking up other stuff.
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(4 to hear | Make a noise)
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| Dear Diary |
[01 Sep 2008|03:47pm] |
As good as works is as bad as work gets. It's an equal plane. It's funny how it flips me upside down emotionally sometimes. If I didn't have specific plans and such that this was working towards, this job would kill me or just send me out rambling around elsewhere.
Sorry for not updating for those who care. Sorry for the lack of formatting or greatness of this entry. Today was hell. Now that I have a laptop though, you can expect more entries. Also, I'm going to Portland.
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(Make a noise)
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[09 May 2008|08:48pm] |
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I haven't updated this for a long while. It's been busy.
I survived April 26, obviously. It was less violent, but still present. I handled it better, but I can't say I was a happy person.
I survived the move on the 30th. Our truck called me a little over an hour after they were supposed to be there in order to say that they couldn't make it. Consequently, we got hosed when I did find a truck that could come that day. It worked out though. It worked out.
The new place? Very different. Quieter. Weird layout. We haven't sorted everything out yet. The reality of me needing a new computer and us possibly having a laptop sitting around (and my new computer not at all touching the internet) are becoming more and more useful sounding. This computer is loud and sounds weirdly puttery. It also randomly does stuff like resets (mostly when it has just been booted) for no apparent reason. I can't find any sort of malware that might cause it though. I think it's just dying slowly. I pushed it quite a bit at our old place and I don't think the fan was able to keep up because it used to get really hot. On top of that, dust. Dust dust dust. My next desktop will not be internet-touching though. It will sit in my little gear room and be used exclusively for that.
Part of our layout problem is that I do have a spot for my computer in my little room, but my computer has ended up our media machine at the same time. Thus, it makes sense to keep it in an apartment-prominent space. This mucks everything up.
Work? I am drowning in about way-too-many projects. I also don't have a back up, desperately want to go on vacation and am generally tired. The big projects in the aisle are a combination of a reline that I am planning and the cleaning shit that I got dropped on me. The reline will be awesome. I should be able to squeeze out an extra 2-3 grand a week! Basically, I'm going to half our ridiculously sized cereal set, move our sugar/salt/baking chocolate/etc section to the other side and expand on our confectioneries, nuts and fruit. It'll be fun when it all works out.
I'm sick of writing.
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(Make a noise)
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| Try to see the light of goodness burning down the track |
[21 Apr 2008|10:23pm] |
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Sometimes, it's really easy to get the meaning lost in the words. If the words aren't right, how can the meaning be? If it isn't said as it should, how can it mean as it may?
The walls here are piling on my head. The days are going one by one. I'm okay for a moment and then I'm not. I'm mimicking the weather lately. A day of sunshine, hail, thunder, crazy winds and snow... I'm not doing as good as I want. I miss everything.
Beer and cigarettes and cheap rum are like sanity to me. They're keeping me together. The smokes are blankets that drown out the sound and the beer is the taste that distracts my mind... The rum? The thing that dulls the world enough to bear. I'm so tired right now. Not necessarily tired in the sense of sleep, but tired. I couldn't sleep enjoyably anyway. I can sleep, but I hate it. I wake up in the middle of the night. I'm sweaty. My heart races.
Movement scares me. It's hard to not be alone. It's hard to be alone though.
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(Make a noise)
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[13 Apr 2008|12:18am] |
I feel older than I am. I'm not made for this. I'm a brittle plastic scoop, not the nice flexible grey ones. I'll survive. I do that... But that doesn't make things okay.
I'm older than I am. I can't feel right. I can't feel real. I am not human. Things yell and that's okay. But I don't feel right. I want to care, but I have to shock myself for the emotions I should feel easily.
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(Make a noise)
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| L) Dead-Wedge |
[24 Mar 2008|08:44pm] |
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Don't worry, I do intend to write up an entry or two based on the suggestions posted. I'm just lazy and only have half-written ideas.
Today, however, is a day worth marking. After around a year of thrashing, shredding, bombing, carving, sliding and otherwise skating, my Drop-Wedge is dead. It was on its way out for a while, but an expansion joint on the Granville Bridge finally did it in.
Overall, I'm not that unhappy. I mean, I got a good year out of it and without babying it at all. That board had been taken off curbs and into curbs; had its nose, tail and sides all slid and/or slammed into concrete; been ridden in all weather; and it has survived innumerable beer runs. It was the board I first hit the BPs on, slid, and in general, it was the board that I went from a mediocre newbie to a comfortable and smooth skateboarder. I'm not as fast as a lot of people, nor am I as good at sliding. Really, I'm not particularly exceptional. What I am, however, is comfortable, smooth and fluid and I owe a lot of that to the experience I garnered from riding this deck.
( pictures )
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(2 to hear | Make a noise)
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| Interesting meme that no one will really respond to |
[17 Mar 2008|11:24pm] |
Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on something, favorite type of underwear, explain an interest, whatever. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.
Stolen from another thief
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(5 to hear | Make a noise)
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[16 Mar 2008|03:00pm] |
Leaning against a dumpster in a dark alley while brown-bagging some OE & eating fried chicken? Seriously, last night was a fun night and that was just amidst a journey from Mike's place to a place belonging to one of his Island friends.
Fun times. Tonight though? Inventory. Bleh. My back stock numbers are going to be too high and I'm training a new guy.
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(Make a noise)
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| K) To Be There Now |
[14 Mar 2008|10:21pm] |
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Things are always so weird to me. So often, I feel like I'm running down a river and, for those who don't know, I don't know how to swim.
Emotionally, I'm blunted. Stunted. Something. I feel, but at times, I'm not sure if certain things click the same. I'm not sure if I understand or they understands or she understands. Things are just... are. They're what they are and apparently, from other subjectivities, they're incredibly different. It's all so awkward.
It's been a while since I've updated. I guess, the flashes have subsided some. They've calmed down to the normal. Things happen. I ignore some of them, listen to some and get caught up on others, but none of them really carry to points others notice. Anyone. Things are normal in those regards.
Work is okay. Everything is okay. A random photographer took some cool longboarding pics of me the other day. Otherwise? Things are normal, I guess. Tonight is unhappy. Tomorrow will be a change. I will think about today, be unhappy about them, but be quiet about it. Things will be good if enough distractions are present. Work will suck, but I don't hate it. It's how things go, I guess. |
(Make a noise)
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| J) There's a beautiful world out my window |
[23 Feb 2008|11:46pm] |
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Today has been one of the better days that I've had. Seriously, I am ecstatic. All bad things are put aside and I am concentrating on the pure and utter goodness.
I woke up a little off. My head hurt. My mouth was dry. I was all kinds of not exactly as good as I wanted to be... but I had to get up! It was the CLBC longboard swap meet today! I made my way out there with a bag full of shit I didn't use, including my first long deck, which I never really used recently. I came home with a bazillion sets of awesome wheels that I will totally use all over, a new pool/slide deck, and 5 dollars less than I left with.
In addition, I finally gave in to buying a more expensive bottle of scotch. I'd been wanting to try something older than 12 for a while and finally gave in, buying the 18 year old version of one of my favorites: Highland Park. I think I still prefer the 12, but it is still so very nice. Unlike the 12, I think this needs the tiniest amount of dilution to really open the palette, but once it is open? It doesn't quite have that subtly sweet character that the 12 does, but it makes up for it with a much longer smoky aftertaste. Truly enjoyable and it makes me want to try the Bowmore 18. I also need to finally give in and try the Laphroig quarter cask. It's the only Laphroig currently available in Canada...
I'm so stoked tonight. New deck that I love, new wheels that I adore, new scotch... and listening to The Hollows. Have all of you heard them? Seriously, they're up there as far as favorites to me. The music is laid back, wistful and just perfect. Gorgeous.
I'm going to stop now, I think.
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(1 to hear | Make a noise)
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| I) Distractions and denial as tools of living |
[19 Feb 2008|05:19pm] |
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In the last couple weeks, a friend of mine at work was finally declared my official back up and, since then, I've been training him as such. He'd been with the store for a lot longer than myself, and was a damn good worker.
It's all happened so fast, but he's been fired and I am completely disillusioned. Basically, he went and got some soup, noticed the lines were long, ate it and then went to pay after he'd finished, when the lines were shorter. This is all pretty typical at my store. People do it all of the time. Hell, he'd done the same thing just three days prior in my presence and another person had done something similar on the night of inventory. It's common practice. This time, however, the newest shift leader greeted him before he could get to the till, asked him for a receipt and, basically, it ended up with him upstairs, being asked to leave for the day. After leaving him dry, with no real knowledge of whether or not he had a job the next day, they had him come in today... so that they could then escort him off the premise and tell him he is no longer allowed in the store.
Basically, someone who has worked at the store for a long time with a great work ethic and a lot of potential was fired over less than four dollars... four dollars he intended to pay. For me, this has really thrown one thing back in my face: I work for a gigantic, faceless corporation. There's no feelings. There's no logic. The way the company works, well, we're made to feel somewhat empowered. I mean, the amount of money I could lose for the store if I fucked up? In general, I mean, look at me: I've been at the store for a little under two years with no applicable previous experience and, basically, I run an aisle. I am in charge of pricing, organizing specials, ordering, filling... everything. On top of that, our direct leadership tends to be understanding, willing to look at the big picture and not necesarily get caught up in little details. It feels so much better than it really is. Today, and yesterday, just serve as reminders to me: I work for something I hate. I like a lot of people in my store and, honestly, it is those people that make it such a good and successful store... but the company is no better to me than a Safeway or a Supervalu.
Most people who worked at another grocery store agree that working at my store is all around better than working for any of our big competitors. Michael did too, even... but in the end, it's like choosing between dog shit and bull shit... and neither are overwhelmingly ideal.
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(Make a noise)
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[08 Feb 2008|11:07pm] |
I miss nights of 211 and occasional PBR and hitchiking and the whole experience.
Black Flag, as respected as they are, are not taken serious enough.
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(Make a noise)
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[03 Feb 2008|10:44pm] |
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It occurs to me today just how unbalanced I am.
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(Make a noise)
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| H) Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same |
[03 Feb 2008|01:16am] |
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In a recent post, Brad Warner highlighted one of the attitudes that initially attracted me to Buddhism. It took me a long time to admit my interest, as when I first ran into it, I had a strong distrust & dislike towards anything I associated with religion, conformity, or authority. I definitely saw all three elements in some Buddhism, so I resisted all of it. Back to point, here's a snippet from what inspired this post:
As to the issue of the Precepts that some readers have raised, it is very important to remember that the Buddhist Precepts are never, but never, to be used as a weapon. The Precepts are there as guidelines for us as individuals to judge our own behavior, not the behavior of others. When you observe the behavior of another person always bear in mind that you can never know the true circumstances that led that person to behave in some particular fashion. Of course if that behavior is causing harm or danger to you or someone else it may sometimes be proper to intervene. But in most cases it's probably none of your business.
Buddhism is an attitude. It's an approach to life. The Precepts are meant as helpers to guide us in establishing this attitude. They're not a list of rules that we, the Precept Police, are enjoined to enforce. There are many things in this life that are beyond our knowledge or even our capacity to know
My friend Rob, who attends my weekly get-togethers at Hill Street Center and often posts here as SmoggyRob, said that his take on the Bodhisattva Vow of saving all beings was that it was his duty to save all beings from himself. We all need to have that attitude.
I still don't practice zazen all that regularly. I haven't found a teacher. I haven't done many of the hallmarks and I'm still nervous. That youthful zeal is not entirely lost on me, as much as it might seem. What once was a fierce, obnoxious and incredibly loud streak in my personality has lost its anger. It's still there, but more often rears as a sort of sadness and discomfort. I want to pursue this element more, but feel uncomfortable. Still, I have managed it for the most part in terms of employment, even in my current occupation. I think I should be able to manage it in this as well.
In the end, I guess, it's just too many things in a too busy brain. I am not living an incredibly busy life, but I find it all too easy to make it out as if I am. Everything is convoluted and full. I never have time for anything. This is all in my head.
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(2 to hear | Make a noise)
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| G) I still recall what made me like you |
[27 Jan 2008|10:06pm] |
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It's funny how little I project about myself in my everyday life. That's been a frequent theme in my mind ever since the whole incident where I got drunk and lost my pants. People don't realize how young I am. People don't realize what a reckless mess I've been at points. People don't realize or think or even have an inkling about so many things. I project something entirely different, I guess, and I'm not even sure what it is.
I miss random friends. A lot of them
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(2 to hear | Make a noise)
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| Just got home from inventory |
[21 Jan 2008|12:53am] |
and, well, inventory was fine. That said, afterwards? Fucking fantastic. I realized I had nearly an hour worth of a wait until the bus came, looked around, saw an off-ramp from the parking garages and a light bulb lit. For the next half hour, I was throwing myself down the off-ramp into heelside and toeside hairpin-esque turns. A newbie fixie rider even joined in briefly...
I managed a smooth, no hands down drift for the first time in my skating life. In addition, I was managing really smooth drifts without grabbing rail, which is something I'm usually bad at. I still suck at heelside though.
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(1 to hear | Make a noise)
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| E) Musicians are cowards... |
[20 Jan 2008|01:06pm] |
I've written about 10 LJ entries in the last week, but somehow, none of them have made it to the internet. How strange.
Last night was enjoyable. After coming home, drinking a bit on my own, I met up with a couple guys from work. Initially, our plan was to hit up The Cambie, but upon arriving, we decided otherwise. So, we grabbed the geeky German guy from the meat department, who was already inside, and all put out around 10 different ideas as to where we could go and/or what we could do. We walked to several of the bars we'd mentioned, found some unopened beer on the ground along the way, ran into a lot of people and, well, ended up at a strip club.
I'd forgotten what a weird atmosphere those places can have. They're bars, in essence, but just as a sports bar has big screens playing sports, they have dancing nearly-to-fully nude women. There's no sexuality in it for me. It's the same as a big screen. I respect the physical strength and incredible skill that goes into a lot of pole work, but really cannot enjoy it as it is generally expected to. That said, I had fun. I had many beers, hung out with some enjoyable people, spent a lot of time mocking a coworker and ex-coworker with aid of the ex-coworker's girlfriend, and enjoyed the blatant surreality of the scenario. It made me think of Veronicka a lot, as well, which tends to provide happy memories these days. All in all, it just reminded me that I really need to convince myself into being a little more social on a little more frequent of a basis.
The new A Silver Mount Zion is really nice. Kat doesn't like the album version of "1,000,000 Died To Make This Sound" as much as she enjoyed the live version. Honestly, I never quite connected with the song to begin with. The two tracks in the middle were ones that neither of us had heard and I quite like them both. And, the final track, a studio version of "Blindblindblind," comes off well. I need to further digest this album before I declare too much, but so far I like it. It's not my favorite, but some things are hard to top.
In other news surrounding ASMZ, they have apparently sold the rights to some song to be used in a commercial. I am truly shocked at the reaction I've seen across the internet. The mild negative responses are strange enough to me, but there are some truly extreme reactions popping up. Everyone is complaining, citing their opinion that this goes against everything the band was apparently about. People sound as if the band has betrayed them. They act as if an idol has fallen or if a True Believer™ has chosen to now deny the word of God™. It's all crazy! Bollocks and madness and mindlessness! Respect the creativity. Enjoy the sounds, embrace the ideals, and love the music. Do not, oh fucking hell, do not start to elevate these musicians to something else. Do not put them on pedestals. I absolutely adore their music. They're no Crass, but their music means a lot to me. That said, Efrim could become a beer-bellied conservative construction worker and Sophie could become a plasticine silicone and saline injected TV slut. I don't care. I don't mean to say that in the inhumane sense that it can sound, but in the sense that who they are, what they believe, and what they do has nothing to do with their music for me. Johnny Got His Gun is an incredible piece of literature. Its writer, Dalton Trumbo, got it pulled from publication during WWII because he felt that it was a justified war and he didn't want his book and its message to muddle anyone's opinions. Well, Dalton Trumbo can fuck off because, for me, when I read that book, it came as a condemnation of all war. It came as a condemnation not against WWI or of a war that is supposedly unjustified. For me, it came off as saying no war is justifiable in reflection of the terror that they bring. Trumbo had his opinion and I have mine. For me, mine is what is important and who he was, what he thought, and/or what he became has little to do with anything. I read it. I enjoyed it. I perceived and pulled from it what jumped out to me. Nothing else is important.I listen to it. I enjoy it. I perceive and pull from it what jumps out to me. Nothing else is important. |
(5 to hear | Make a noise)
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| D) Other Places, Other Situations, Other Substances |
[05 Jan 2008|11:42pm] |
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I am sick! This is deeply infuriating. My body has offended me with this insult and I do intend to get my revenge! Er. Jokes aside, today sucked. So did last night. Things were going fine, and then out of nowhere, boom! My joints hurt and stuff. Today, I had that and a sore throat and occasional earaches. Worst of all though was my mind. Mind-soup! Mental-stew! Droopy-brain! Other stuff! I was a mess all day at work today and, when I went to try and come home early, well... That didn't go over well. So, I stuck it out and only felt worse because of it.
Joe got the newly created regional job, which I am kind of happy about. It was either him or Chris and, well, I do like Joe. He's just a prick. His prick-like nature is useful as a sort of Devil's Advocate, but he never turns it off! That said, I will miss his occasional insight and incredible knowledge. In addition, this is the second time someone below Chris has got a superior job to him that he also had applied to. He took it pretty hard, especially in combination with some personal issues. I'm actually really worried about the guy. Again, he can be a dickhead in an entirely different way, but he is a really cool guy to have as a boss most of the time. I'm hoping they don't hire a replacement for Joe, which is plausible because it's normal to only have two ATLs. That'll open up money in the Grocery budget, thus making a good raise for me more likely... and, honestly, more money is something that will make me feel a little better about the job than I have in recent times.
Otherwise? I am combating this illness with extracted codeine. Kat is nice and useful! The dose wasn't as heavy as I'd hoped, but still, wonderful. The flavor, however, leaves much to be desired. Even when diluted with orange soda and followed by nice chocolate, it has stuck around.
I am hazy sleepy time though. Goodnight.
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(Make a noise)
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| C) Two Thousand... Eight? |
[02 Jan 2008|12:14am] |
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Another year down and what has happened? That's the thought on everyone's mind. Until coming online and seeing everyone's musings, I hadn't really stopped to consider anything. Dates like December 25th, January 1, whenever Valentine's Day is or whichever date you choose to observe as "Thanksgiving" mean very little to me outside of how they will affect my job. It's the dates like January 12th, July 2nd, August 29th and April 26th that really mean something to me. Still, I guess there is some solace in this day, or, well, something to that effect. Maybe it's good to have something external that reminds you of time passing and events changing.
So, in going with everyone else, I'm thinking about the year. What's changed? The easiest thing to determine and notice is my job, I guess. In February, I jumped ship from maintenance to grocery. I went from being the guy who cleans up the messes to the one who makes them. I made a move that, ultimately, made me a lot happier at the store. Then, in August, I jumped from a simple shelf stocker to someone who runs a small aisle. I set all the prices, plan the sales and yada yada. The first jump was to escape a bad position and ultimately made me feel more confident and less stressed. The second was in hopes of getting to use my brain a little more in the work place and, well, the jury is still out on it. Currently, the job has me reasonably frustrated sometimes, and proud of myself and/or having fun at other points. All in all though, I find myself really wanting to move on. I enjoy retail work. It lets me channel certain tendencies & skills that I have into a less destructive and more socially accepted atmosphere. It puts me into more social situations. It has expanded my foot palette and also helped keep the food bills down. All of that aside, it isn't me and it isn't what I want to do. I'm not creating anything. Nothing new is being formed. I'm just struggling to do shit that, outside of the situational reference, I couldn't give a flying fuck about. Margins, sales, and "guests?" Fuck that. I want to forge raw materials into instruments to be hit and plucked and beaten into noise. I want to look at a piece of wood and know what I can do with it. I want to look at something that I built and know what it once was. I need that kind of sense of accomplishment in my life.
After work-related pursuits, the next easiest thing to discuss would be injuries, I suppose. It's sort of weird, but they've played an important role in this year and are straight forward to list & talk about. Firstly, there's the eight billion bouts of road rash that I've garnered while skating. They are noticeably lighter than those of '06 and were all while pushing myself. Of the major incidents, the first, I think, was at the Demo Forest. While trying to pass Dan, I basically stumbled and went flying. After that, I had to finish the rest of the 10k trip with a toonie sized chunk of skin hanging off of my palm. Still, it was very fun day. Second one was up on the BPs. I think we were still on Eyremont. While flying down in front of Mark, with Dan in the chase car, I got some nasty wobbles. Mostly, this just tore up my pants, but I did get gashed up and down my arms and on the tip of my finger. I finished the route and we did a couple more runs though. Mark & Dan up-talked this wreck a lot. Outside of skateboarding, I've had a pretty harsh year! Or, better yet, my left hand has. First was when I tripped over our cat. While falling, I tried to catch my balance against the wall and ended up karate chopping a corner. After laying in bed in pain for three hours, Kat got home and decided to bring me to the hospital, where I found out that I broke my fifth metacarpel. That's the bone in the hand that connects to the pinky. That caused a good six weeks in a half-cast that went up the left side of my arm, ending just before the elbow. I only missed 30 minutes of work for that one. Next up is the one I am still recovering from: a cut tendon at the last joint of my left ring finger. While cutting a zip tie on a bag, a lady pushed through and caused me to fall over. With my luck, of course, the blade I had open landed on the back of my finger and, despite it not being a large or deep cut, it was a bastard of one! I couldn't straighten the finger and it bled like a motherfucker. After seeing the doctor at the clinic around the corner & bussing myself to the hospital, they ended up installing a fucking metal pin in my bone for a few weeks (which stuck out like a hook from the tip of my finger). As I said, I'm still recovering and cannot play guitar. The full range of movement and strength are anything but 100% and I can't work my normal shifts.
Otherwise, well, it's hard for me to really point out a lot of little things. It's just been a year of slow growth on my part. I've fought the same demons and the same stupidity. I've got better at some things and worse at others. I've paved the roadways towards potential new friendships and unintentionally left a few roads to clutter up. 2007 was my year to really come into confidence and comfort while living here. It's been a year to think about the future and plan and to think about what I want to involve myself in and what I really don't. 2007 was a year just like any other year; I wrote 2006 repeatedly until spring and made it out alive. I'll probably get over that faster this year, but only because I write the year so much more often. It had the milestone of surviving to 21, which as big as it once was, faded into nothing soon after completion.
I'm not one for resolutions, so that's not what I'm going to call this. Let's just call this, "Shit that would be cool to happen in '08." I'd like to make serious plans as to how and when I am going to leave this job. Meanwhile, I'd like to try and find a way to make the job more bearable in the meantime. I'd like to go out and be social on a more frequent basis. I'd like to get better at keys & guitar and not just in the noisemaking sense. I want to build more, create more, write more, skate more. I want to get into better shape and to rip the Demo's biggest hills in full tuck and to throw myself down Canterbury. I want to be able to do Pendys in a confident fashion and to start hitting Stables sessions and some of the Saturday skates. I want to further develop my interest in scotch, while not forgetting about other alcohol. I want to finally give in and have a cell phone. I want to practice zazen on a more regular basis. I want to build my vinyl and comics collection. Fuck it. Right now, I think I should just give in and go to bed.
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| B) I am 89.4 percent sure that I had a good time |
[18 Dec 2007|09:42pm] |
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I've got a unique assortment of bruises & cuts that I don't quite remember the origins of. This morning, my splint, shoes, pants and everything in the pants was missing and I only had part of my voice. Since then, my wallet has been found. I guess I left it at a 7-11 after leaving the bar. I don't remember leaving the bar. The only memory I have after a point is a very faint memory of my feet being cold and stumbling by some concrete structure with a drive in entrance. Weird night. I think I had a lot of fun, but the fall out is a little frustrating. I missed work today, which leaves me incredibly upset with myself. I'm not sure how much of a fall out there will be in terms of me missing today. I expect some. I'm looking forward to talking to people who where there last night though, just in order to hopefully figure out a little more than I currently know. I'm partially dreading that, however, as I know that Joe, one of my bosses, did come out. I can easily see myself, while very intoxicated, saying some things that are not quite ideal to him.
Black-outs are weird. Losing, or more so, not properly storing information makes my later, better working mind really active. The whole idea of black-outs are so bizarre to me. It's easy to think of black-outs only in the sense of looking back and missing stuff. Going all black-out is something that is just as existent in the moment as it is afterwards though. Your short term carries you along in conversations. You can remember a few minutes behind, but then, nothing gets passed along. The data slips through some alcohol created crack and you forget. Sometime after Joe arrived, that is what was happening to my brain. Next time I'm out drinking with people, as the night wears on, I am damn well going to be trying to poke & prod people as they get drunk in order to try and find someone whose memory is going askew. I know I've seen it before, but never when looking. I've never been able to really explore it. So, so, so very looking forward to it.
Looking back, I guess did drink a reasonable amount, but I'm still kind of surprised at the overall outcome. I mean, I came home without my fucking pants! What on earth happened, you know? Four PBRs, a Colt 45, a couple Granville Islands, a variety of mixed drinks at Cody's and at least one pitcher of Granville Island at the bar... That's what got me where I landed. Hm. It didn't feel like that much at the time. I wasn't drinking quickly and I felt great. So weird.
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| A) Sick of big numbers |
[12 Dec 2007|11:22pm] |
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I am truly becoming a scotch drinker. I am even being able to subtly relate to tasting notes, as ridiculous as they truly are. There is just something amazing about a truly complex taste confusing all of your tasting/smelling senses in such an askew and perfect way. A good scotch, for me, lights every taste bud in the mouth in a monumental tasting argument. You taste sweet as you taste bitter and you feel like cringing as you feel like exhaling in comfort. It is confusing and therein lies why I think I really enjoy it.
I do, however, miss vodka. I need to try more vodkas again. Not to say that Stoli isn't doing it for me, just to say that in appreciating so much scotch, I find myself wanting to enjoy more in the way of vodka. Scotch is hard to get into, but once you do, you begin to understand different ones and how they are similar/different rather easily. To me, vodka is a much more subtle affair and I really do like that. I kind of want to try that 42 Below brand. Heard a lot of good things from other Stoli drinkers.
I should be laying down.
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| 5,703,777: None But The Rain |
[10 Dec 2007|10:50pm] |
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There's this incredible aspect of life that we mostly only notice after large things—mostly bad things, at that. It's the whole, "And just like that..." factor. A lady ran through my bulk aisle, bumped me and just like that, I fell, the cutter landed on my finger and my tendon was cut. One of the greatest people I have ever known moved away, got lonely, got lonelier and just like that, she was gone. After returning when we'd nearly lost all hope, we realized that the dog I'd chosen as a very small child was too far and gone... and just like that, we were leaving the veterinarian's office with a dead weight in my arms. It's really easy to get scared of this feeling, this idea. Suddenly, a string is cut, a gate falls and you're trapped in the consequences of whatever line of causation you found yourself in.
I have to continually remind myself that this is not something isolated to those kind of feelings though. I randomly messaged some girl on some website, we talked, we met, and just like that, well... look at Kat and I now. It isn't even solely apt in the large events; It is just as important to remember in the case of everyday, every minutia. One morning, I don't eat breakfast and just like that, by lunch time, I am a starving painful mess. I am a starving painful mess and, well, just like that, I finally convince myself to make time enough to eat. Every single little thing is tied to this idea.
Even after reminding myself of all of that, it's still scary. Every action is irrevocable. You might be able to eventually work around it, but every action leads to a reaction and between each, a gate closes. Eventually, the line of cause and effect can sometimes lead to making up for the event on mind or it can lead in an innumerable amount of other places, but no matter what, you are tied to every single thought you have, every action you engage in and, basically, you are tied firmly to every single thing that happens in your proximity. Scary.
Just something I've had on mind a lot today.
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| 3,525,128: "So here is a note, it's been a long month and now I have to..." |
[08 Dec 2007|10:58pm] |
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Today has been a significantly weird day. Or has it? I don't know which time of me waking up should really count. I mean, there was the time that I woke up from a dream that I got fired for incompetence. There was the time that I woke up after dreaming that I was locked away for my stupidity. There was the time that I woke up after seeing her in my dreams. There was the time that I woke up after being told to leave. I woke up so many times last night; It's no wonder that I'm so tired tonight. It's no wonder why I didn't even want to go out today.
I guess, we should count my day as truly starting when I woke up and didn't really go back to sleep. My mother called. She did not speak to me, only Kat. All I heard was "Oh no" and the like. Oreo is gone. Oreo, the cocker, is gone and given his condition, most likely permanently. On one hand, this brings incredible unhappiness. That dog always took second at everything in his little life, but he was a damned good dog. On the other hand, it didn't really phase me. See, when I left that house, I didn't know if I'd ever really make it back. I don't mean that in a logical brain sort of way. I mean that in the sense that, well, when I left, on that very day, things went bad. My brain got the best of me and I felt like everything I did feel connected to was dying or dead all in the pin prick of a moment. My brain suddenly kicked askew and, well, I felt alone in the worst way. On a day that should have excited me, I felt truly horrible. I'd already mourned the loss of that dog. I've already mourned the loss of everyone there. Even when I go down and I see people and things, I've mourned them. When I see them, when I'm with them... It's all wrong. I will never not want to see Veronicka, but the moment of seeing her is the moment of stepping outside my body and that is not fucking comfortable. The same goes with everything there. That is dead. That is gone. I'm here and in relation to those things, I am alone. The disappearance and most likely death of that dog upsets me greatly, but... I've already been upset about that. In other words, what would have disabled me for this entire day only sat around the back of my head. I hope that doesn't sound as bad as it kind of feels.
From there, Kat and I were together today. We ate food. We paid for a microwave that I have no clue how or when we'll use. Best of all though, we took the skytrain out to the Metrotown Station and skated all the way to... Columbia? There's some nice paved paths in that area. It's been a while since the air has moved passed me that quickly. While in New West, we went to antique alley and I got another green button up at the surplus store & some vinyl at an antique store. Then we came home, watched a couple Buffy episodes and now, as soon as I'm done with this entry and this cup or two of scotch, I'm done. Done for the night.
Oh, one thing though: Michael, as in faguarSG, is weird. He randomly called and randomly told me to scope out a mic. If I can figure out how to get it from MF, I will. That price is incredible.
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| 2,178,649: I play at night, I live another life, pretend to swim and... |
[05 Dec 2007|11:43pm] |
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My perception is skewed. Has it been one night or two? It has to have been two. Yesterday was a good work day. I accomplished annoying excel sheet tasks. Today was okay in an uneventful fashion. Out of work, I got yet another cheap bottle of whisky. This one is an Aberlour 10 year. It was marked around $60 and I got it for a little less than $40, with a promise on a similarly great deal on another bottle that they thought I should try. I fucking adore that liquor store. I was happy to have Kat finally be there when such dealings happened. I think she now better understands what makes it so great. Cool staff with a decent knowledge of their product who are willing to give me good discounts because I: A)work near there B)come in often C)they like me.
I am doing okayer though. That's the thing. Everything is in micro. Everything could be crashing around me, but I wouldn't notice until the beam hit me and the roof began to crush me. I have no extension out of the moment. I am too convoluted in the now to convolute myself outside of the moment. It's frustrating because, well, frankly... I am someone who contemplates & plans things a lot. That's not to say that I am not given to impulses, but I just mean that I like to use my head. I think I sometimes fall into manipulation and things near partly because of this: I enjoy debating the possibilities and then gambling on them. Lately, I'm feeling a little disabled and disarmed in the sense of my "life." My abilities and focus exists normally in terms of work and, when things are not going confusing with my superiors and my understanding of how I place, things are great there. It brings me focus. But outside? I am a mess. I am a gigantic ball of nowness and that is not always a good situation.
( Read more... )
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